The Last Place On Earth

Every time I try to work up a post explaining the conversation Mother Madame and I had three nights ago, I stop writing midway through because I just don’t want to think about it.

Here’s what I found out from the conversation, in a nutshell. She thinks I’m ‘too weak’ to handle the fifteen years of schooling required to get a doctorate, that med school is too competitive and forensic psychiatry is ‘too dark’ for someone like me. She said that within three weeks of going to college out-of-state I’m going to call her up and beg her to let me move with them to California, and it’s ‘downright stupid’ to decide to end up with that much debt when I could just go to a community college in Fresno, live at home, and become a fashion designer.

Most of the time I can argue with her and keep my wits about me, because I have a hold on what I should say and what I’ll regret saying later, and I know the power of a calm and quiet voice in the face of anger. The thing is, it’s a bit of a different story when I’m furious.

When I’m furious, it’s like two parts of my brain are at war. One part wants to yell until I’m blue in the face everything that I really think at that moment, and the other part is trying to shut the first part up and regain emotional control. The result is me sounding like a stuttering little kid. Like when I stopped myself from telling my mother to shut up during said argument:

Mother Madame: “Well, you know what, Hannah? I’m giving you a free pass this time because you’re just too young to know what you actually want-”

Me: “I just- you just- I don’t- I…want you to just…stop talking like that!”

I’m not happy that I know the truth, but I prefer it to not knowing. She explained that she doesn’t think I’m strong enough to get to where I want to go in life. I’ve been feeling her doubt for a while on some level or other, so it wasn’t too much of a shock, and it wouldn’t be the first time in history that a daughter did something to disappoint her mother. It’s okay.

I admit that the worst buttons to push with me is to say that I’m incapable and that I’m lying. The last time I was that angry was when she told me a couple of years ago that she thought I was lying about having any anxiety problems and having an eating disorder (even when my brother told her that he heard me tossing up dinner several nights a week, she thought I was ‘just being dramatic’).

But, it’s okay. I know where I want to go (yep, I’ve finally decided,) and the last place on earth I’m going is Clovis, California.

Until I Write Again,

–Hannah-Elizabeth/Classic

The Classic Award!

Well, folks, I have once again been bestowed with a lovely award by a lovely fellow blogger, Miss E from Looking For Pemberley!

I am going to break the usual routine this time around, my fellow bloggers, by switching it up a bit. I was given the Creative Chaos award, and while I will follow of the rules precisely as they are written out, I am not going to give out the Creative Chaos award, but my own award, The Classic Award:

Here are the rules from Miss E’s site on giving out the Creative Chaos award:

1. You must tell 3 completely weird things about your habits. If you claim to have no weird habits, you’re lying and we’ll have to send an investigative team for further analysis.

2. You must tell why you look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “what? No coffee?”

3. Complete any one of the following essay questions:

A. You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down. You have no cell phone service, no stores, and only a candy bar for food. It is 150 miles to the closest town. What color are your pants and why?

B. You find yourself having to ride an elevator quite frequently. How do you pass the time to show off your creativity?

4. Then you are to nominate 5 random people and let them know.

5. Make sure to show proper gratitude to the person who nominated you whether that is to shower them with gifts, prizes, and cash or to see that they are put into a clown costume and photographed for internet mocking.

6. Make sure to post the award somewhere other than the underside of the toilet seat.

Here we go! 3 weird habits:

1. When I’m bored I sit at my desk and place my favorite magazines, books and study materials around my chair on the floor so I can easily grab what I want to read and if I lose interest in what I’m reading, I can just toss it and grab a new book/magazine/chart. I do this for a minimum of two hours at a time.

2. Sometimes as I’m falling asleep my mind will start replaying the sound of someone’s voice from years ago. I have an odd thing about voices, I really love listening to people to talk, it’s just comforting to me, it never matters what they’re saying as long as they aren’t angry (I really hate the sound of an angry voice, it’s physically painful when I hear one.) So I suppose when I don’t have a voice to listen to, my brain helps me out by making a ‘Greatest Hits’ playlist of sorts.

3. Whenever I’m out in public and I notice two people having a conversation, I try to read their lips and predict what body language signals they’re going to shift into. If I can manage to, I’ll eavesdrop (not that I enjoy eavesdropping… but I do really enjoy eavesdropping.)

Alright, number two! I must look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “What? No coffee?” Well, like everyone else, I have no idea what this means. But! Suppose someone gave me a glass half full and it wasn’t coffee, I would probably want to know why it wasn’t coffee. I would then ask what on earth I was just given that had to fill the glass to the point of being exactly half full. What will happen when the glass is no longer half full?

And I pick essay question A! And my answer is:

I am wearing bright orange pants because I want rescue helicopters to see me as they fly overhead. And if there are no rescue helicopters, then I hope to attract the attention of a helpful talking bird of some kind that could get help for me… or maybe the bird will know how to fix the car.

Annnnd the award goes to:

Sir Josh at Mathematical Mischief! Josh has one of the most helpful, informative and encouraging blogs I’ve ever seen (mostly because I’m horrid at math and his blog has come to my rescue more than once), and he is one if the kindest fellow bloggers I’ve had the pleasure of knowing.

Legend of Pi! Not only do I just admire this blogger, but the blog! It never fails to enlighten and entertain. I don’t know why it hasn’t been showered with awards already!

Sir Mark (aka, The Idiot) at The Idiot Speaketh! Because he’s the idiot! The. Idiot. His blog is inspiring, heartstring-tugging, tear-jerking and laugh-inducing. This is the most original blog I’ve ever seen. We all love you, Sir Idiot.

The Dippylomat esq. from The Northern Plights! I’m giving this award to this blog because of the amusing, unusual nature of the blog itself. As well as the amusing, unusual nature of the blogger. Also, the author of this blog wrote my favorite comment of all time on my blog: “We love you. That is all.”

And last but not least, even though she has recently decided to not accept blog awards (cue drumroll)…

Ryoko861 at Me, Myself and I! This Madame is one of my favorite bloggers not only because of her writing, but because of her advice and kindness.

The rules for giving out The Classic Award

1. Tell the blogosphere one of the following:

a. Three of your favorite books (not much of a reader? Then three favorite movies!)

b. Three of your favorite people in the potential multiverse (or just in the world.)

or c. What you dislike the most about writing the “Passing On The Award” post (we all find it awkward and tricky, you’re not alone!)

and 2. Nominate 7 bloggers (unless there’s a Whose Line rerun on and you can’t pull yourself away from the endless charm of Colin Mochrie…)

Aright then! I’m probably going to write another post tonight, so I suppose you all shall hear from me then!

Until I Write Again,

–Hannah-Elizabeth/Classic