Shoo, Freud, Don’t Bother Me…

Deutsch: Sigmund Freud, Begründer der Psychoan...

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So, I have half a dozen post drafts saved from today. I kept finding myself at my ‘Add New Post’ page throughout the day, with nothing in the world to say. But then, when I’m here, I never have anything to say until I say it.

There are several thoughts that have been taking turns on center stage in my mind, several things I could begin ranting about. I couldn’t find the words this morning, and I can’t find them tonight. I want so badly to be understood, that I find that I can’t trust my own explanations. Nothing I begin to write seems good enough.

And so once again I find myself in a state of pulling teeth with my own ideas, attempting to force them into expression and failing miserably. I suppose this is partially because I don’t have much to say that I want to say that I haven’t already said.

But then, I seem to have forgotten, I don’t write to entertain.

I’ve had a few close calls with bulimia the past few days. I know it’s absurd, I know it would only hurt me, and the mixture of reasons I want to depend on it to get me through make no sense. The main reason is because I feel out of control. And I remember in the mobile home about three and a half years ago, when everything was at its worst, bulimia made me feel in control somehow. I couldn’t control the finances, my mother’s depression, the tension every night and day, the anxiety that drove me half-mad. But I could control my appearance. I had that. It was mine.

My mother wants me to apply to a university in California that she always wanted to go to. A few days ago she revealed that she would prefer if I went into interior decorating or fashion designing instead of becoming a forensic psychiatrist. As for the university I want to go to, she texts me every few hours explaining that people hate it there, and I don’t know what I want, that I’ll change my mind. And she finally flat-out told me to apply to UC-Irvine. Normally when my mother text-messages me I wait until I can speak with her in person to give her my reply. But that last text was sent at 11:30 tonight and I replied simply: No.

I’ll end up apologizing for the tone of the message tomorrow. But at the moment I still feel a tad peeved. Oh, for Pete’s sake, who am I kidding? I’m angry! Yep, I’m still going to apologize but at the moment I am thinking something to the tune of ‘I expected you to stand by my decisions like you told me you would when I was a child, that you would encourage me. Why is it more impressive to you that I sit and stare at color palettes all day instead of getting a doctorate and entering a respectable field?’ I want to show respect for her opinion because all of this has been the first that she has mentioned about anything regarding my future career and I’m sure that initially it was difficult to tell me the truth, but now it feels as though she expects me to be mold that she can form into what she never was, what she never became. And I frankly don’t feel that I’m being unreasonable.

Alright folks, I’m going to try to get some rest, and then tomorrow I will stop being lazy and reply to your comments. I sincerely love reading them, but I’m just horrid at finding appropriate replies, I can assure you I am the same when it comes to e-mails.




9 thoughts on “Shoo, Freud, Don’t Bother Me…

  1. First off, let me just say that I feel a smidgen jealous of you. I thought I was pretty impressive and smart at your age, but clearly, by comparison, I wasn’t. You are an impressively talented young lady, and impressively talented young writer. You know what you want to do; don’t let anybody dissuade you. Talk with your mom; she probably just doesn’t understand you, or imagines that your chosen path is too scary and dark. About the bulimia, I have a great friend who suffers from eating disorders. Please do not let that sneak back into your life and ruin such a bright future. (If you like, I can put you into contact with her. It might help to have somebody else to “talk” with about it.) Peace, Rebecca

    • I’m very flattered by your comment 🙂
      I’m glad that I decided early on who I want to be and what I want out of life. I know where I want to go and what I want to accomplish, heck, even some of the people that I want to meet. I’ve spoken with my mother about my career choice every few months for the past four years, and you’re right, she thinks it’s too dark. She doesn’t see the appeal of spending fifteen years of my life studying, and then the rest of my life talking to criminals and going to court. I think she misses how creative and artistic I used to be. I loved ballet and painting and drawing and singing, then when we moved to Texas my interests took a sharp turn, one she was never pleased with.
      I do feel that I’ll be alright when it comes to my ED, but if I do need someone to talk to I will certainly take you up on your offer 🙂 Thank you 🙂

  2. Moms always seem to have other visions of their daughter’s futures. My mom would have LOVED for me to be a lawyer or nurse. She was always wanted to be a nurse but she turned out to be a legal secretary and an excellent one at that. I had no focus or direction, but did end up as a secretary (she was estatic, but would have like “nurse” or “veterinarian”) for a year or two before I left work to have a baby. I haven’t been back to work since. Probably a good thing I didn’t get a college degree. It would have been a waste of money for them.

    But you stick to your guns. If you want forensic psychiatry, then go for it. If you change your mind, then you can always change your major. People do it all the time. If mom hold the “I’m paying for it, so you have to do what I say”, get a student loan on your own. There are also grants and scholarships you can apply for on line that will help with tuition and housing. No one said this was going to be easy.

    Being that you know you have an issue with bulimia, YOU can CONTROL THAT! You feel it coming on, you control it. Don’t let it control you! Don’t be afraid to call someone! If it means talking your way through it, you’ve taken that step to getting over it.

    • Thank you 🙂

      You sound a lot like Heather (my best friend,) I told her about my mother disagreeing with my choice of career, and right away she started planning out how we would get me to college. It’s wonderful to know I have people that will stand by me and advise me when I need it.

      • You know what’s best for you. You’re very bright! I have confidence that you’ll be fine in the college you’ve chosen.

  3. I’m not entirely sure what your post has to do with Freud, though it does give me a chance to suggest that one of my favorite “guilty-pleasure” movies – “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Always good for a laugh.

    I think writing about it is a good way to clarify your thoughts and strengthen your intentions. I cannot imagine someone with a passion for forensic psychiatry being happy practicing interior design.

    • The last minute before hitting ‘publish’, I deleted the part of the rambling that would explain the title. I try to not overthink things, and Freud was the king of overthinking 🙂 While I do try to not edit my posts, sometimes I’ll do a quick read through and think certain parts are a bit much.

      I think I would go a little mad if all of my time was occupied with learning about design and fashion. 🙂

  4. Excellent post! It’s good that your mother wants to apply for university in California. However, it’s entirely up to you whether or not you want to do that. It’s important that you do what’s good for you, and what you want to do with your life.

    Just by this post, I can tell that you’re a very intelligent person. You have a lot going for you in your life, and I hope you get the best out of it. Although interior design is a very good field to get into, if it’s not what you want to do, it’s not what you want to do. Nobody, not even your mother, can change that.

    And forensic psychiatry? That is a brilliant and exciting field. If that’s what you want to do, and that’s what you feel your calling in life this, then by all means do it. 🙂

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