Better Than I Know Myself

“It’s quiet.” I whispered. Everyone had wandered into the study hall, leaving me and Kyle alone in the cafe. Show tunes could be heard being sung by Claire (the world’s greatest barista and an old friend of mine.)

He grinned and took a seat nearby, “I know. Theatre people.”

“They’re grand fun, though.”

“They are. So,” Piercing blue eyes looked in my direction, “Why are you here this evening?”

“Anatomy and physiology.” I realized I was resting my head against the wall and sat up properly. “I suppose it’s obvious why you’re here.” I gestured to Kyle’s name tag, he grinned again. Today was the first day that an opportunity arose to have an actual conversation with the fellow. Eighteen or nineteen if I had to guess, and a former boy scout if I had to guess. Blonde hair of a sensible length, broad smile, strong jaw, symmetrical features. Overall nothing notable, except that he was wearing a gray v-neck long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows and casual pants (my previously mentioned favorite look on a guy.) Oddly enough, when I noticed this I almost laughed out loud. I was so accustomed to seeing Kyle in his signature white button-up shirts and robot-like stiff movements that seeing him dressed so casually was enough to make me double-take.

We spoke for about half an hour before my mom pulled up in the Fit (on a side note, I drove us to The Center today and I managed to not kill anybody!) As she was walking towards the door he suddenly stood and opened it for her.

I smiled at her, “Hi, mom!”

Kyle looked over at me, then my mom, then back again. I grabbed my things and made my way to the door.

“Nice meeting you, Kyle.”

“You as well.”

We shook hands and as I stepped out he added sincerely, “Have a wonderful evening!”

I glanced back, “You too!”

As I shut the car door I realized this meant I had a new acquaintance, I smiled the rest of the trip home.

The rest of the day has been rather dull, tea and cappucinos with mom, reading an old Star Telegram (I personally prefer The Dallas Morning News,) and catching up on a few favorite blogs that I’ve missed out on as of late. I’m currently plotting how to make my mother play chess with me. I love chess, but mother madame finds it too tedious.

I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if I end up staying in Texas. I’ve started having dreams about the drive out of state, and writing down potential playlists for a long trip whenever there’s a pause in activity. It’s my petty impatience, I just know it. I could never wait for Christmas morning before opening at least one present, and I was always the annoying child who always asked ‘Are we there yet?’ In my defense, those drives to Disneyland felt like they never ended, the drives seemed so long that it feels like a part of me is there still. Clapping and yapping and bouncing around in anticipation.

I suppose, whatever the result, it will be a lovely state of existence when I at least know for certain what the future holds.

I must say, I’m rather disappointed in this post. ’tis a rather dull one.

I know, I know, a writer (even a simple blogger) is supposed to never be disappointed in that they write if it’s from the heart. But folks, let’s face it, this wasn’t exactly prime entertainment. It would be lovely to always say that I’m proud of what I write, but many times it’s an embarrassing, teeth-pulling-esque process and I know that my writing at times is downright crappy. I don’t say this with pride, I just say it so that I know I’ve said it.

The general mood of my posts as of late seem to be inching further downward, as though I’m notably unhappy. Obviously there have been positive posts nestled in between the (for lack of a better word) stale ones, but, skimming through the past couple of months through my posts, I can’t ignore a pattern that seems to be forming.

Now, I have no idea what any of this really means, or what should be done/if anything should be done, but allow me to play this thought out.

Everyday I still decide on something to be happy about, sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s something to look forward to that day, and sometimes when I can’t come up with anything, I just settle with ‘Today is going to be a good day.’ This has lightened my overall mood considerably, I’m an entirely different person than I was when I posted my decision to try to be happy. It has changed me completely. But it’s starting to feel as though the steady tension in my life as of late is turning me back into the person I once was. Serious, overly focused, selfish and impulsive. Alannah said something to me in a comment once upon a time, because I had mentioned that I felt guilty for being too sensitive. She told me that she had always seemed to ‘feel too much’ as well, and said something to the tune of ‘When we feel so strongly for so long, selfishness is only natural, because our focus is only on ourselves.’ An invisible tug of war seems to be going on between me and the people I care about. Because a part of me does want to stay because Heather wants me to stay and I could see myself going after Josh again and meeting more new acquaintances and not having to read my mother’s face when I bring up leaving. And then the complete and utter uncertainty regarding whether I’m leaving at all being decided entirely on where I get accepted.

I’m a control-freak when it comes down to it. I love being in control of my environment and knowing that I can create order where disorder so annoyingly sits (often rather crooked or on the wrong shelf, I might add,) I love being in control of my surroundings and my future and my actions and my plans. But I can’t control the approval of Heather Madame and my mother, I can’t control where I’ll get accepted, I can’t control whether it will rain or shine and the bossy little child in me doesn’t like it one bit. All the worrying is doing is about as much as pushing against a steel door. I can wear myself down trying to shove it open, but until it opens or locks on its own, nothing will change.

I’m truly happy when I’m here, telling the truth, at least some of the time. But something that this little website has proven to me, is how blind I can be to things right in front of my face. Right in front of me. I’m sincerely afraid because of this fact. It’s part of why I’m afraid of making somebody miserable. Because I know how foolish I can be, how thoughtless I can be. I know I have a lot of love to give, but I know that, while I’m trying so hard everyday to hold back from doing anything to hurt anybody, the battle is one that will never end. We hurt people. It’s a part of life. And heck, my heart hurts even writing that. It’s my worst nightmare. I am so entirely full of faults that I know it’s inevitable. I don’t know how or when or who, I just know that there will come a day when the thought will run across someone’s mind that they will wish they had never met me.

I know I can never stop making mistakes and I can never stop being blind to obvious things until later introspection, I need to get over any sort of notion that I will somehow condition myself against human nature. The battle will never be won, because everyone is battling something, and suppose that fight dies out, another is waiting at the threshold of the morning to take its place.

…Well, alright then.

Until I Write Again,

–Classic/Hannah-Elizabeth

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11 thoughts on “Better Than I Know Myself

  1. It’s good to get everything out of your head isn’t it?
    Don’t for a second think it dull though dear, because no matter the subject you make it difficult to stop reading once one starts. And sometimes even when your happy, posts may turn out to be sad, but it’s usually just because you’ve poured out all of that emotion and left it here to make room for being happy. If that makes any sense.

    • Thank you, Mandii 🙂
      I honestly don’t know where the entire post came from, it started out so ordinary and I couldn’t stop writing. It was refreshing in an odd way.

  2. First, no post can possibly be a total failure when the author smoothly slips in a word like, “tis.” Tis one of the words I enjoy using in conversation and writing, just for the fun of it. Other favorites are, “eschew,” “obstreperous,” and “Riddle me this,” from the old Batman series, which you can still sometimes catch on TVLand.

    Seriously, though. (Actually, I am serious about using fun little words).

    But seriously, I often use blogging as a kind of journal, as a way of finding things out, of clarifying what I really believe. I like the way you always post about what is really on your mind. As a result, I think one day you’ll wake up and *know* – not that you won’t have doubts or regret, but you’ll know where your path lies.

    • Alright, now I need to pick a new fun word everyday and use it in conversation 🙂

      I wish they would bring back the Carol Burnett Show to TV Land! I keep waiting and waiting, but all plays is the same old I Love Lucy’s and Andy Griffith’s.

      I do hope you’re right 🙂

  3. You need to go where you need to go, and do the things YOU need to do, and at times, this will upset others, and as you move through life, you may even lose some friends because of your decisions, but as long as you are doing things your own way, and you feel comfortable with your decisions, you are on the right path.

    Sometimes, it’s good to be selfish, for we cannot live our lives for others, and the greatest love there is, is that of someone, whether a friend or family, who can let you go, to do YOUR own thing, even if it means they will see less of you etc.

    (and it’s true, if you’re sensitive, you will feel too much at times, and hurt a lot because of it, but you will also be blessed with a lot of good things as you find joy in the simplest of things…)

    • Thank you for this 🙂
      It feels a bit like a silent war between what I know I am going to do, and what I know I want to do simply because others want it for me. My mother started talking to me the other day about becoming a fashion designer instead of a forensic psychiatrist. She has always tried to nurture my more creative side, but I thought she was onboard with me going to med school and pursuing a career in criminal justice. I know she must have been holding that in for a while so I didn’t say what I really wanted to. I know parents must have dreams for their children and be disappointed at times, but it hurt a bit to have that support appear in the light and show itself to be not so much a platform but instead a thin little ledge.

      • I think parents often want to live their lives through the lives of their children, and some forget their children have desires and wishes of their own, and they may be TOTALLY different. Here’s hoping your mum will encourage you no matter what, for the main thing is that YOU choose something that makes YOU happy most of all 🙂

  4. I’ve noticed that when you’re really happy, you pour yourself out into your blog! No sense in keeping it bottled up!

    Being sensitive can be a downfall and a benefit. Taking things too seriously, not accepting criticism. But it completes you. It proves your human with emotion. That you care about the things and people around you. More people I know should be more sensitive!

    Kyle sounds like a nice boy!

    • I read over my post the day after I published it and thought, “Oh dear, anyone who has read my blog the past six months will be thinking ‘Oh, bother, she’s going to start swooning over Kyle, isn’t she?'” Sometimes my life feels like a soap opera that needs new writers. I really am excited to finally meet Kyle, I don’t entirely mix well with my classmates, and right away me and him got along… Not that you needed to know all of that 😉

      Alannah read my blog when I was extremely sensitive, before I knew how to take a hit. Thankfully I’ve grown a bit, thanks mostly to my blog and people being honest enough with me to help me be less sensitive.

      🙂

      • Swoon away dear if you want! It’s YOUR blog! You’re not going to offend anyone! Love is grand! We all wish we could be in your shoes sometimes!

        As you get older you’ll learn to ignore cynicism. Everyone is a critic. More people need to just accept others for who they are. Don’t take anything to heart. A lot of people, also, don’t know how to relate their feelings so things may come out as hurtful or derogatory. Take if for what it’s worth.

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