Tomorrow (well, today) me and Heather Madame will have a picnic at one of our favorite parks.

I’ve been trying for about four hours to sleep now, but, as it would appear, I’ve become rather accustomed to staying awake until about four thirty in the morning, so I have about an hour to type up this post before my systems decide to finally produce enough melatonin to let me sleep soundly.

Me and Heather Madame decided to dress up like we’re in the 1950’s, including styling our hair and doing our make-up like Doris Day or Lucille Ball, and the menu will include organic strawberries covered in Dolci Frutta chocolate dipping sauce…

At around this time last night I was sitting at my desk rereading a reply I had scrawled to my pen-pal, to be sent off when morning light hit. I set down the paper, leaned back in my chair and yawned. I don’t know what it is, but when it comes to yawning, my impulse is to at least bravely attempt to yawn like a lady, even when I’m alone. I glanced down and noticed the beam of my floor lamp hitting the cover of Football for Dummies. I rented the darn book so I could try to speak Josh’s language a bit better when I see him next. I smiled to myself out of the absurdity of it all and picked up the book, and, as always when it comes to subjects I know nothing about, I felt an annoying, stubborn resolve clench into existence that I would one day understand every angle of this which I do not know. This subject I cannot yet understand. This sport that has enraptured the hearts of many. Football, and all that it stands for. And then I remembered I still had all the other sports known to man to go, and I chuckled.

You’re not a sports person? He asked me once.

No, but mark my words I will be one day. I responded.

And I meant it, too.

A new part of me has become resolved to become something of an extraordinary person, because the more I find out about him, the more extraordinary I realize he is. It seems only fitting.

I flipped open to the first page, profiling the author with every paragraph. I didn’t like the fellow, he seemed a tad full of it. I flipped the book shut and set it down when my attention began to wander and sleep started to set in. But I didn’t go to sleep. I just sat there, and went over a favorite memory or two. I thought about how this room will just be a memory one day, when I’m in college, actively pursuing life for the first time on my own. I thought of how beautiful Heather’s wedding will be, how crazy it’s going to be when she’s pregnant! My best friend of five years, I feel like we grew up together, like we were just little kids when we first met. We’ve had some adventures the past few years, I can’t imagine both of us living…gulp…adult lives. I can’t imagine me and Heather being adults – I don’t think we’ll ever be grown up when we hang out. We give each other permission to be dumb and whiny and ranty and cheesy, something no one else in our lives fully, completely and entirely allows us to do. I hope I don’t forget that I won’t be seventeen forever, or eighteen, or nineteen. Especially since the day that I wake up and there’s a two in front of my age will come up faster than I’ll ever be ready for. Twenty?? It sounds so…young. Like I’ll be just a kid. And yet so old, because it seems so far away.

Age scares me, because there is so much life ahead of me if I avoid walking into the street without looking both ways. My entire life is right there, outside my front door every morning, all of the possibilities out there, in this giant world with trillions of interesting people I can meet. I want to do things that are defining, and build a reputation for doing the unusual.

I suppose I’m trying to become the sort of person that isn’t afraid of asking stupid questions.



5 thoughts on “5:41AM

  1. Your best bet about learning football is to sit and watch a game with someone who knows and isn’t going to get upset when you ask questions. The basics of it aren’t hard, it’s the strategy that gets intricate. I don’t know what each position suppose to do – block, run, who’s allowed to touch the ball? But obviously the quarterback runs the show, he has the ball and all the plays and when they huddle that’s when he has a couple seconds to spew the play. Sometimes they just huddle and take a breath! You need 10 yards to get a down. And you can only allowed 4 trys to do it. If you succeed, great, you continue to try to get another “down” until you get to the goal. If not, the other team gets possession of the ball by punting. I know it sounds confusing, but watch it with someone who’ll ex
    plain it to ya. I find it boring sometimes. I’m not a “YAAAAAY FOOTBALL” fan. I used to like it when Joe Montana played back in the early 80’s but after he retired I lost interest.
    When you reach 40, then worry about age. Twenty! I wish I was going on twenty. I’d be happy with 30! Take it one day at a time! The more you look ahead and thing about the future, the more it’s going to seem daunting. Worry about tomorrow, what you’re going to wear, what you’re going to do. Twenty isn’t old. It’s young and always will be. But when you’re 17, it may see old. It’s one year less than 21-when you’re considered an adult so you automatically feel you’re old. No, it’s just a number the government uses to give you rights. They feel that’s an age where your should be old enough to know better. Voting, drinking, and whatever. 21 is very young. Don’t take it too literally.
    Go get some sleep. Insomnia sucks! If it starts impeding your health, go to the doctor. You’re really too young to have insomnia. You still need at least 8 hours of good solid rest.

    • Sleep it still a tad bit of a lot of an issue (it’s one in the morning as I’m typing this and I feel like it’s the middle of the day.)
      Thanks for the football advice! I’ll keep it in mind (as it is pleasant in comparison to the arrogant fellow who wrote Football for Dummies) 🙂
      I know I’m being absurd with my age – all of the time I have, I suppose it’s just a bit scary that I’ll blink and my life will be gone. I’ll be in my 70’s (hopefully) with my entire life behind me. Just another person who lived… I think too much, I suppose is the problem. 🙂

  2. I’m a big football fan and my wife isn’t. If she’s forced to watch a game, she finds a lot of entertainment in mangling sports terms: “Wow, I’ve never seen a thrower toss so many goals to the same catcher!”

  3. I’ll try not to say that Football *is* for Dummies, because that’s just mean and untrue, but I *will* say, only study football if it genuinely pleases and entertains you–there are so many other things on which to use your precious time and what little leisure you get in life, and so many other things to share as interests with the people who interest you deeply. Josh or otherwise! As for growing older/growing up, neither happens at a steady pace but in headlong spurts at the end of each of which you tend to turn around and say, *whaaaaat?!* in disbelief at how that chunk of life that looked interminable from the front end is suddenly old news and you’re off and running into and through the next ten things. I may not be very grown up for my age, but I’m old enough to say that’s the truth with confidence! 🙂

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