A few nights ago I posted a blog at two thirty in the morning, moments after publishing it, I deleted it. It was all so impulsive – writing, editing, publishing and deleting it all happened in seemingly one state of mind.
I’m still making myself a liar by publishing a new post before the new year, but I’ve been typing out and erasing little blog posts on WordPad for a few nights now and the feeling of satisfaction from my rambles and realizations by a written stream-of-consciousness has waned due to the lack of knowledge that any of it is actually being recorded – just sitting on my desktop for a few seconds before I delete it when I become paranoid of someone in my family finding my laptop sitting open and clicking on the document.
Here is a general update –
Glady’s son seems to have realized how I don’t feel the same way as he does, but doesn’t want to leave it alone. He sits uncomfortably close to me on the unfortunate days we happen to have breaks at the same time. (For those new to the blog – I work at Kohl’s in North Texas) Gladys was the E3 (supervisor) for the registers on Christmas Eve when me and her son were on the same side of the store. She watched the way I interacted with him and didn’t seem pleased when I spoke frequently with Everett instead.
Regarding Everett (his real name is Josh – I always try to avoid saying anyone’s real name or any actual place to lessen the possibility that anyone I know will find this blog), I’ve nearly completely forgotten about Chase. It’s simple at last – I really like Everett. That is simple enough for me (as long as I forget about the son of my favorite E3 having a thing for me and potentially negatively affecting the wonderful friendship me and Gladys have.) On Christmas Eve we both were scheduled for registers early in the morning (he arrived at 6:00AM and I was scheduled for 7:00,) I shivered as I stepped inside and looked to my right to see him leaning against the back wall of one of the cubicles (they are registers, but each one is in its own little box sort of shape so we refer to them as cubicles.)
“Hey!” I called over, I felt myself smile so broad that I no doubt looked absurd, “How’s it going?”
He grinned and slowly shook his head, “I’m tired.”
“You aren’t awake and ready for the day?” I said in a flabbergasted voice, I took off my hat and waved it in the air as I walked past, “It’s so exciting! Christmas Eve! Hot chocolate and candy canes!” (For those of us working on Christmas Eve, they served both of the holiday classics.)
He chuckled and I continued my walk towards the break room to clock in. I have so much more energy when he’s nearby – I would later (after several creative coworkers arrived) end up making a paper snowflake cape and headband and having one of my coworkers crown me The Snowflake, a Christmas superhero… Not shockingly, photos were taken and are now posted somewhere on several Kohl’s employee (and customer) Facebook and Twitter accounts.
I wished repeatedly as I walked towards the daily schedule, the one that determines which POS associates will be on either the East registers, or the North registers. I found my name on the list and nearly squealed when I saw the little ‘N’ next to my name. No other employees were at the North side registers except for Everett when I made my way back after clocking in. I skipped the last few steps as I entered the cubicle and logged onto the register. I looked at the floor to make sure it had been tidied up by whomever was there previously and saw what appeared to be a white feather on the ground. I picked it up and realized it was a hair clip, perhaps like something that one would find in a Claire’s, it looked like several small bleached peacock feathers on strands of leather with little rhinestones on the strands. When I waved it around the feathers looked oddly graceful. Everett looked over and I waved it around again before smiling at him, he chuckled and asked what it was.
“I’m not sure – I just found it on the floor.” Wave, wave, wave, “It’s a lot of fun, really.”
He seemed amused by my fascination with the odd hair accessory. I liked that I could be a little kid for a moment, not thinking about anything was so refreshing. I’ve mentioned wanting to just have peace in my mind, just for a while not have it spin a thousand miles a second. When I’m around Everett, my mind can be entirely blank and I can do pointless things like play with a strange hair clip and be amused by it. Peace at last.
I remember thinking about how I wanted that hour of just me and him to go on for a long time. It was early morning – and I love early mornings, and there was no source of anxiety nearby. I couldn’t recall the last time I had felt that content and happy, except for one of the mornings I spent waiting for a subject to arrive at The Center. I was sitting outside on the porch of the cafe, it was freezing outside and I was drinking earl grey tea made by Claire – the world’s greatest barista and a friend of mine. I sat alone with my little black book and scribbled on and on about how much I loved that moment.
“You never watched Darkwing Duck?” I asked in melodramatic shock
“I don’t even know what it is.” He just smiled and shrugged, his jacket zipped up against the cold, “What was it about?”
“Daffy Duck as a superhero – Darkwing Duck.”
He shrugged again, “I was mainly raised on Spongebob – Nickelodeon.”
“A little Pokemon.”
“Yes!” I said at finding a show we had both seen as kids.
“Only a little.” He pointed out.
“Winnie the Pooh?”
He shook his head and I sighed as I leaned back. The registers are set up in a zig-zag pattern: three registers per row, two registers facing one way with the middle facing another, so when we both sat against the back of the cubicles, we were actually facing each other.
Cali, one of my first work friends, arrived on the North and joined us. It didn’t take long before I got a slight sense that she was one of the many of my coworkers that can tell I like Everett. Last week another fellow employee – Neal – overheard me talking about a guy that I liked codenamed CO2 (aka, Matthew/Chase) and he turned to me and said, “I bet I know who CO2 is: that guy who was just over here.” He nodded at the register Everett was at before he left for break. I stuttered for a few moments as I considered the idea of telling Neal about Everett (he’s one of my most trusted friends at work, and we’ve both spontaneously opened up to each other about our lives and our ideas) but ultimately decided against it and explained Chase to him instead.
I’ve never played coy or hard to get (not I would really know how if I wanted to.) When I notice him watching me from my peripheral I look over and smile, and whenever there’s an open register next to him I dash right over to it before anyone else can. I remember feeling confused once when I looked back at him as I left the break room after lunch one day, he had been upbeat and expressive the entire time, but in those few seconds as the door closed he looked oddly sad. Instinctively I waved and grinned mischievously (this had always made him smile before), but this time it was no use.
Chase has nearly vanished from my daily thoughts at this point – I’ve been able to focus on my studies, at least until a memory of something Everett said or did arises. How wonderfully simple it is. And if it seems that the simplicity of how I feel is one of my favorite things about any of it – it’s because it is. I don’t need to think about anything or overanalyze anything because he is one of the easiest people to read that I’ve ever met. Conversation is never philosophical or complex or has any hidden layers or potential for misunderstanding. I’ve always loved the complexity of personality profiling and discussing philosophy (I’m still in love with Aristotle for writing Rhetoric, and Jay Heinrichs for writing about Aristotle’s Rhetoric…) and talking to Heather about her and Carlisle’s relationship and the levels that we’ve always gone into when it comes to our personal lives. But feeling so alive and positive and content with hardly a thought in my mind is the most fantastic therapy I’ve experienced yet.
I know it won’t always be this way, all good things must come to an end, but enjoying the company of someone who enjoys mine while talking aimlessly and working steadily for hours on end is exactly what I need right now. Consistency is what I need. I hope that nothing at all happens to ruin my memories of these days when both him and them are long gone (I may fancy him, but I know logically he’s all wrong for me) so I can look back fondly and smile always.
I remember the first time I saw him I was in the middle of a thought regarding Chase, I looked over to see him walking up to an open register and signing on. A little, nearly silent voice suggested I contemplate perhaps dating him, and at once I thought ‘I could never be attracted to him, he just isn’t who I’m looking for.’ I noticed then that he wore a black wristband on his right wrist that had words in white spelling out My God Is Big Enough.
It’s an odd emotion when I realize that nothing further than the state we’re in now will ever occur, and yet I know that the next time I see him I’ll have butterflies and feel as though espresso is suddenly running through my veins. Logic overlapping such strong emotions is so conflicting yet reassuring.
I love having time. I’m seventeen – I have time to find someone who makes me feel this way, and who I can look ahead and actually see a possible future with. Time is fleeting, but right now, I have all of it in the world. And this, among many things, makes me truly happy.
P.S. Thank you to all of my newest subscribers! I wish I could say ‘You shall not regret this!’ but, then, I’ve always been a terrible judge of my own writing, so all I can say is, I sincerely hope to get to know all of you, and thank you for your interest in my little blog.
P.P.S Numbers #14 and #17 on my 20 before 20 list have been completed – Heather and I spent a weekend in Fort Worth (#14) seeing The Nutcracker (#17) at Bass Hall for her 18th birthday!