You know, I’m going to wake up at 3:45AM and get ready for work tomorrow. But I want awfully to write, I feel as though I have something to say.
I wish human beings were not so complex, I wish I could be happy spending time with my mother or speaking to Heather or seeing Matthew (aka – Chase) and have the moment be simple. Cut and dry. I wish nothing bothered me, so I could be happy and people could be happy with me. I wish I never got angry or annoyed, people seem so terrible when they’re angry or annoyed. How wonderful it would be to only ever be content and accepting of circumstances. How easy it is to like who I am when I am content, when I’m rational, aware.
I wish I were simple. But sometimes (too, too often) I do and say things that don’t even make sense to me. I want to be fair and understanding but my impulse is always to judge and assume. I’m much better than I could and used to be, but this should not be enough. I don’t feel like it should be, anyway. Perhaps I’m wrong about everything, how am I to know until the future in retrospection of today?
I’ve been wondering things often that don’t make sense, and I wish I had someone to ask. There is a constant, nagging feeling that there is an absence in my life that should be filled. Like a missing piece of a puzzle.
Heather has changed a lot in the past year – she’s still who she has always been in person, but her words lately have evidenced outside influences on her phrasing and reactions. So much is happening in her life, that I don’t feel the genuine interest that used to be present when I would bring up current events in my life. I’ve never felt lonely before, not really, not until recently.
You know when a child stumbles and falls, how, as soon as the child stands they know immediately what face to look for to run to? I feel as though I’m looking for a face that does not exist. A person with no name or form. Heather will always be my Watson, my closest friend, the absence I feel is apart from her presence. Unrelated.
My last few posts have had a rather negative edge, when truthfully my days are much brighter due to my unofficial happiness experiment. It’s just moments such as these, after a day such as this, that has me writing in a manner such as that.
Now, I should certainly sleep, as I feel whatever was pestering my subconscious has made itself known.